


Go Thoroughly Beyond

by Val Mora (valmora)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Buddhist influences, Getting Together, M/M, casefic, post-s8, there are more things in all the realms dear reader than are dreamt of in your mythology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-24
Updated: 2014-11-24
Packaged: 2018-02-24 18:41:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2592143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valmora/pseuds/Val%20Mora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dana Chen calls Dean in on a disembowelings-related hunt near Chicago's Chinatown, and he leaves Sam behind in Smith County Memorial.  He takes his worries (about Sam, about Cas) with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Go Thoroughly Beyond

**Author's Note:**

> Illustrations by the talented and generous [witchylana](http://witchylana.tumblr.com). [Tumblr art masterpost!](http://witchylana.tumblr.com/post/103415430478)
> 
> Beta by the longest-suffering beta in my life (♦).
> 
> The title is from the most famous mantra of the Heart Sutra, _gate gate pāragate pārasaṃgate bodhi svāhā_ , which the Dalai Lama has explained as meaning _go, go, go beyond, go thoroughly beyond, and establish yourself in enlightenment_.
> 
> Any Chinese restaurant appearing in this story bears no resemblance to any actual real-life Chinese restaurant that may have the same name.
> 
> There is a certain amount of conflation in the portrayals of certain of the characters here. For more detail, please see the end notes (contains spoilers).
> 
> This story was begun before 9x20 aired, and 9x20 was so awful that I am ignoring its premise about the politics of Chicago.

_(Cover image: "Go Thoroughly Beyond," by Val Mora, on a background with a stylized cloud design.)_

 

_If thunder resounds, lightning flashes,_  
 _Hail falls, and a great rain pours out of the clouds,_  
 _If you contemplated the power of Avalokiteśvara,_  
 _They will disappear immediately._  
 _\- Lotus Sutra, ch. 25_

 

Three days into Sam's stay at Smith County Memorial, Dana Chen calls Dean up on his other other _other_ cell phone. Dean misses the call.

What? The bunker doesn't get good reception; it's all the rebar. And he can sleep in his own bed if he needs to, since the hospital's close enough that he can make the drive. It's less than half an hour. And Kevin still needs looking after.

Her message says, _Dana Chen. There's something in Chicago you need to look at. Dad's too old to take it on his own, whatever it is._

He calls her back bright and gross early on his way to see Sam.

"Dana Chen."

"It's Dean. What's up in Chicago?"

"Disembowelings. Might be any of like six different things, including a serial killer, but Dad thinks it's hella weird. I'm tied up in San Francisco on some asshole who's smuggling foo dog puppies, and when I called the Lees it sounded like they were having some kind of turf war with the Abramowiczes and I do not want that shit, so you're it."

"What, you weren't gonna call Garth?"

"Garth," she enunciates in that pissy way she has, the emotional equivalent of holding something with just her index finger and thumb, "answers with 'Domo arigato Mister Roboto' when I call him. So no."

"Yeah, okay."

"Yeah."

"That it?"

"Yeah. 'nless you guys find something freaky, my dad can help with whatever doesn't need heavy lifting."

"You know Sam's in a coma in Kansas, right?"

"No." Silence on the other end. "You need me to come by?"

"No, you got puppies or whatever." He turns the radio all the way off. "I'll do it. The hospital's got my number anyway."

"All right. Well, if you're sure."

"Yeah." No. It feels like abandoning Sam. The doctors said Sam's gonna live, but Dean has no idea if that's just pretty lies, and Cas hasn't shown his face since the angels all fell.

"Okay… if you need backup or whatever, you got any number of people who'd be willing to."

"Yeah, thanks."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. It'll do me good. Tell your dad I'll be there tomorrow. Gotta take care of some stuff first."

"'kay. Thanks. I owe you."

"Pretty sure this is only repayment stage seven."

She laughs, startled, and then again, more genuinely. God, he missed her laugh. Hasn't even seen her since, what, couple of months before Dad went missing? That shirime in Salt Lake City?

"Yeah, okay," she says, just as he's turning into the parking lot for the hospital. "Only four more."

"Only four more," he agrees, grinning. "Drink some of your awful booze for me."

"Drink some of _your_ awful booze for me."

"You know you like it."

She blows a raspberry into the phone and hangs up. He finishes pulling into his parking space, turns the car off, gets out. Says hi to the receptionist, just like yesterday, and goes to see his brother.

 

 

 

Sam's still unconscious and Dean missed rounds, again. The nurses can't or won't tell him anything interesting. It's been pretty much like this the whole time. He doesn't know what else to do, and this place is making him anxious.

Sam doesn't wake up, like he hasn't the past few days. They've got some kind of feeding tube stuck in his throat, and a catheter. Dean had to sign all the forms, once he dug up the right fake IDs. Makes him feel shaky, fucked-up, remembering Hell.

They get doctors down there, too.

Eventually he leaves, drives the twenty minutes back to the bunker.

 

 

 

Kevin's cooking some kind of veggie stir fry when he gets back. Kid's got bruise-purple circles under his eyes, and his hands shake, but he's at least moving and awake and not bleeding from the nose.

"You want some?"

"Yeah, sure, I guess." Food's good. It'll perk him up, even if it is just veggies.

While he's waiting, he packs his bag: couple of shirts, extra jeans, socks, clean underwear, razor, shaving cream. The stuff that came out of the bag when he thought they had someplace they could stay for a while. It doesn't take long. He leaves the photo of Mom on his nightstand.

Kevin's just sitting down when Dean finishes, so Dean serves himself and sits.

"Nothing yet," Kevin says. "From the tablet."

"'kay." Dean finishes chewing and swallows. It's not bad. The mushrooms kind of make it meaty, even if it's vegetarian. "I gotta go to Chicago and do a favor for a friend. If Sam changes they'll call me. If you find anything, call me and I'll come right back." _If you hear from Cas, call me._ He clenches his jaw. Cas is probably playing God up there with Metatron, or something. If he wanted to talk to Dean he would've called.

"Mkay." Kevin finishes his bowl and gets seconds. "What's the thing in Chicago?"

"She doesn't know. That's why she called me."

"Gotcha."

Xiao was always pretty good to him and Sam, growing up. Not like they saw each other that often, because Xiao and Dana specialize in Asian monsters, but sometimes. Xiao would always slip him money before leaving, like he knew Dean and Sam needed it. He probably did know. Dad was never really good at remembering that stuff, but Xiao paid attention to Dana, made sure she ate. He probably knew how much he and Sam needed between the two of them.

If he's in Chicago, rather than with her, he must've retired. Lucky guy.

He finishes eating, thanks Kevin, double-checks that he has his phone charger, and leaves. It's not the best drive, ten hours, but he just wants to be there and be done with the whole thing.

At the Missouri border, he flips through his phone contacts and finds an old phone number for Xiao, but when he calls it it's answered with, "Lucky Liu's Chinese Restaurant!"

"I'm looking for Xiao Chen," he tries anyway.

"Sorry, I don't know that name."

"'kay, thanks." He hangs up and dials Dana.

"Dana Chen."

"My old number for your dad gets me a Chinese restaurant."

"Oh, right, yeah." There's the sound of her switching which hand is holding the phone. "Gimme a sec."

He waits, and lets some asshole in a hybrid cut him off on their way to something that's probably not even important.

"Okay, you need to get paper or something?"

"Nah, I'm driving. I'll remember."

"I'll text it to you, then, too. It's 773-555-4913."

"Thanks."

"No problem. Later."

"Yeah, later."

She hangs up. A couple minutes later he gets a text, so he dials that. It rings three or four times, then goes to the answering machine, which starts in Chinese, goes into more Chinese, and then switches to English:

_Hello! This is Xiao Chen's voice mail. If you are calling about a problem, please hang up and call my daughter. She is very good at her job. Otherwise, please leave a message._

At the tone, Dean says, "This is Dean Winchester. Dana said you were looking for backup for something. I'm on my way and should get in tonight. I'll call when I pull over for gas right before Cook County."

 

 

 

He ends up passing right by the Morton Arboretum, about an hour from Xiao's house. Back when he was, he doesn't know, fourteen? somewhere in there anyway, Dad worked a case there with Rashida, what was her name, Mandel? Melvin? She'd been younger than Dad, older than Dean by a good ten years, and a Desert Storm vet who'd probably seen stuff over there. Dean'd been stupidly attracted to her and she had been totally unimpressed, no surprise.

Anyway, it was pretty uneventful, as cases went, and as part of checking things out Dad had brought them to the arboretum, which had been kind of sweet for about fifteen minutes.

He pulls over in Downers Grove to fill up and calls Xiao again.

"Hello, Dean!"

"Xiao."

"Thanks for agreeing to come help. Where are you?"

"Downers Grove."

"So you'll be here in an hour."

"If I can get your address."

"Get a pen. Did you know, I got Dana a GPS two years ago because my friend recommended it. Do you want one?"

"No way I'm sticking one of those to my baby's windshield."

"Your baby?"

"Yeah, Dad," he swallows, "left me the car 'bout ten years back."

Long silence. "I didn't know," Xiao says, voice heavy.

"I don't wanna talk about it. What's the new address?"

Xiao does him better, gives him directions through Chinatown to find the place, which is good. Helpful.

"I'm making dinner."

"If it has tofu I'm leaving."

"Don't worry, I remember."

"I'll see you in about an hour."

 

 

 

Xiao has a little two-story brick house right in Chinatown, north side of the street but not the central area of the district. There's no driveway in front, so Dean parks on the street, grabs his bag, and goes to the door.

Instead of flowers, Xiao's got a little kitchen garden – basil and maybe green peppers, smells like, and some other stuff, Dean doesn't know what all. He rings the doorbell.

Footsteps inside, a light flicking on in the entry, and then Xiao opens the door.

Xiao's short, five-five or something like that, used to say with a smile that he survived three hard years when he was small by staying extra-short so he didn't need much. But he's gotten old, too, since Dean last saw him, even if it shouldn't be a surprise. His hair's gone pretty much fully grey, and there's lines on his face, and he's gained a stoop.

"Dean!" He reaches up, and Dean reaches down, and they're hugging. God, that feels good. He pats Xiao's back.

"How are you?"

"I'm retired," Xiao says, letting him go and laughing. "Come in, come in."

The house smells amazing. Xiao used to pass time between hunts working at Chinese restaurants. Dana's pretty good at that kind of stuff, too, and last time they cooked for each other she made a really killer shrimp fried rice, even if she whined about having to cook for his terrible white-boy taste.

"What'd you cook? It smells great."

Xiao laughs. "Beef with black pepper and mushrooms."

They eat. It's really, really good, not even too spicy.

"So you made it out, huh?" Dean even remembered to swallow his food before he talked.

"Out?"

"You retired. No more hunting."

"I'm still hunting. Just not as much." He smiles. "None of my neighbors have to worry about ghosts."

"I bet."

"The murders," Xiao begins, leaning forward, "are, hm," and he makes a face, looking for the word. "Stomach ripped out."

"Just the stomach?"

"No. Most things there. It doesn't eat anything, though."

"How many?"

"Six, seven?" He shrugs. "I heard about it from a cop friend, but she can't ask too many questions. Cop politics. They think it's a serial killer, won't tell everything."

"You think it's not."

"No. No fingerprints. Not random location. Serial killer would try to hide, or would already be found."

"Not a random location?"

"No." Xiao gets up, goes into what looks like a TV room, and brings back a map. It's already folded open, post-it notes with arrows pointing at the corners, and the corners aligned with the locations. "Same neighborhood."

"What's here?"

"Families. Mostly working-class white people."

"But you told Dana you think it's something Asian."

Xiao gives him a strange look. "I didn't say that. If it was obviously Asian, I'd call the Lees."

"Dana said they're in a turf war with the Abramowiczes."

He makes a dismissive noise. "Always in turf war with Abramowiczes. _New Yorkers._ "

That surprises him into laughing. "Yeah, I gotcha." Looks back down. "You think there's more than six?"

"Yeah."

"Any similarity between the vics, other patterns?"

"All during thunderstorms, all white people." He shrugs. "Some outside in the weather, some inside, some sleeping."

"Signs of forced entry?"

Xiao shakes his head.

Through a mouthful of beef, "You got a computer? A computer geek friend of mine is making a database of monsters by their characteristics – you know, like WebMD or whatever."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, it's not complete or anything, but she went through part of the Men of Letters' index of monsters."

"The _Men of Letters_?" Xiao's stopped chewing, something stuck in his cheek to let him talk.

"Yeah, uh. This secret society, died out in the –"

Xiao flaps his hand to silence him. "I know who they are. They worked with the Tiandimohui. How do you know about them?"

"Long story, but uh, apparently my and Sam's grandfather was a member, and he left us a key." Dean chews some more. Damn, that's good. "We didn't know 'cause he disappeared when Dad was a kid, but we live in their HQ now."

Xiao sits back in his chair, eyebrows raised but expression thoughtful. "So your friend made a website."

"Yeah."

"Okay. After dinner."

Dean's got no problem with that.

 

 

 

After dinner, he pulls up the website and starts sorting characteristics on the site while Xiao watches.

 _Kills its victims,_ he starts off with that, since that's one of the few things they're really sure about.

 _Method,_ it asks for, with little tick-boxes. _Disemboweling,_ he clicks, and then spots _Doesn't eat body parts_ and clicks that too.

There's something down at the bottom about _Weather patterns,_ so he unfolds that menu and hits _thunderstorms._ Since that's one of those things that mean angels, it got put into the database, he remembers that.

_We don't have anything that matches that combination of signs. Sorry. :/ Are you sure you checked the right boxes? If your selections were right, and you find out what it is, let us know and we'll add it. You can contact the administrator from the link at the bottom of the page._

"That's not useful." Xiao sighs.

"Yeah, well." Dean wants to defend Charlie. She's been brave for them. Done a lot for them. Came back. "Maybe the details are wrong. She didn't finish with the Men of Letters' records, anyway."

"I have some books. I wish we still had Bobby."

Dean flips through a couple of browser tabs. He doesn't have a new email from Charlie with links to laughing-baby YouTube videos yet. "Yeah, me too." Swallows. "Guess we hit the books."

Bobby did a pretty good job digitizing a lot of his books before Dick Roman killed him, so when the stuff Xiao has on hand yields no leads the next day, they start on Bobby's stuff.

The night after, when it's clear that Bobby didn't have anything useful, it storms, huge and wild, tornado warning ringing out over the neighborhood from the fire station, and between the power flickering and the Internet dying intermittently – Dean empathizes, a little - Dean calls Garth.

"Hey dude," Garth croons into the phone. "What's the haps?"

"Xiao Chen and I need some research help. We got a thing in Chicago – buncha disembowelings, all during thunderstorms, nothing eaten. Xiao's got zip, Bobby's records have zilch, and the Men of Letters digital database has nada."

"You sure it's not a fairy?"

"No fucked-up lights, no kidnappings."

"Dude, it was just a suggestion. Chillax."

Dean grits his teeth. "Can you put ears out, see if anyone knows anything? It's lurking in a single neighborhood, and the vics don't know each other, according to the police – Xiao's got an in - so I don't have a clue, and Xiao can't pass for police to go interview them for the relevant stuff."

"Oh, right, you're hunting with him right now? Tell him shi-ye shi-ye for me."

"Yeah, okay. You'll call one of us if you get anything?"

"You betcha!"

He hangs up. They sit in the storm, with the lights flickering every so often, and Dean tries not to think about how this storm is like when he and Cas summoned Raphael. How brave and badass Cas was. Fuck.

There haven't really been any reports of what happened to the angels, now that they've all dropped out of Heaven, but he hasn't heard from Cas. Maybe they all died. Maybe Cas is just building Heaven again from scratch without him. Who knows. Cas hasn't called. Maybe he just forgot, too busy with Heaven stuff or whatever. Dean called him last night and it went straight to voicemail. Prayed to him, and like usual he didn't come.

He sits in the basement of Xiao's house, listening to the water pounding on the windows upstairs, and tries not to think about how easy this would be if Cas was here to give advice on whatever this monster is.

 

 

 

There's another dead body in the morning. Chicago PD still have no real idea what's going on.

 

 

 

Garth calls the next day.

"So, weird thing happened. I got a call from Dolly Rivera, who said she had a message for you."

"Yeah?"

"Apparently there's a guy in California looking for you?"

Right, Dolly didn't follow Dean through the cell phone changes during the Dick Roman thing.

"Why me?"

"Dunno. Asked for you by name."

His heart seizes. "I think I still have her number. Gimme a second."

He doesn't. Gets it from Garth. Calls.

"Rivera Pest Control. How can I help you?"

"I heard Dolly wanted to talk to me? This is Dean."

"Oh yeah, hey Dean, it's Natalie."

"Hey. Can you put Dolly on the phone?"

"Do you better. He's right here." There's the rustling of the phone being transferred.

"Hello, Dean."

"Hey, Cas." He can't breathe. It feels like someone poured a ton of concrete in the space in his chest. "How are you?"

"I'm fine." A breath, on the other end. "Dolly and Natalie have been very helpful. You?"

"I'm okay. I'm in Chicago."

"The murders."

"Yeah."

"You know what it is?"

"No." He licks his lips. "Disemboweling, thunderstorms, nothing eaten."

"It's a raijū."

"I don't know what that is."

"Look for mute stray dogs or foxes. They're almost harmless outside of a storm."

"Okay." He's not going to ask why Cas didn't call until now. He's not. He's not gonna act like the girl who got stood up for Homecoming. "You got your phone?"

"It was destroyed when everyone was cast out, and I forgot your number." A rueful little chuckle that makes his heart twist and his mouth curve into a smile at the same time. "How's Sam?"

Well, that sucks the fun out of everything. "He's in a coma. I'm doing this as a favor for a friend."

"You're okay?"

"Yeah." It's so nice just to hear the static of Cas being there. God, he wants Cas here. He'd make this less shitty; he'd know how to help take care of Sam. "You gonna come here?"

"That might take a while." Cas makes a deliberate little noise, like he's waiting for Dean to say something. Dean realizes he got turned Graceless – didn't ask where Dean was, didn't flap over.

"I'm gonna tell Dolly to spot you money for a ride to Chicago, okay? When this case is over I'll take you back home to the bunker."

"I'd like that."

"Yeah." His throat clicks when he swallows. "Raiju, huh. Like a small Godzilla."

"I don't understand that –"

"Reference. I know." He laughs, relieved, stupid with it. "Yeah, I know." Cas human, here for a bit. They can deal with the Grace situation later, together. It'll just be a couple of days, now that Dean knows what the monster is, and then he and Cas can go home.

 

 

 

Xiao opens the door carrying a couple bags of groceries; Dean helps him carry in the rest. Dean starts unbagging things while Xiao puts them away.

"So Garth called me back. This friend of mine, Cas, he's out in California with Dolly Rivera, in a kinda sticky situation – his family are dicks – but he's super-knowledgeable, he called and said that it's a raiju." Sigh, tofu. So much tofu.

"What's a raiju? I've never heard of it."

"He said to look for a dog or a fox that can't make any noise." Cas probably needs to eat now. God. Dean wants to make him soup and give him burgers. Find out what he likes.

"Okay."

He hands over something that's labeled as dried fungus. "I'm having Dolly send my friend here. That's okay, right?"

"It's okay."

Dolly'll give Cas a cell phone. He'll maybe get a car – no, probably not, that would require gas, and Cas won't have the money for the kind of gas to get from Bakersfield to Chicago – maybe a train? Trains are cheap, compared to flying. Couple of days, maybe. Pack him off with a cell phone and some food and send him to Chicago. Probably bus, though.

Cas'd probably like flying. Maybe not – maybe it'd remind him of what he's lost.

Dean could go pick him up at the airport or the station. That'd be nice. Rather than making him take the subway into Chinatown.

"Your friend didn't say where to look?" Xiao closes the fridge for the last time as Dean hands him a bag of eggplants.

"Nah. Maybe if we put out dog food or something as bait? He said it's safe outside of a thunderstorm, though, so maybe call Animal Control."

"Maybe." Xiao considers. "No storm tonight. Maybe interview the neighbor about animals."

"You think we can pull that off?"

"No."

"Me neither. Might be worth scoping out the neighborhood, anyway."

So that's what Dean does, in Xiao's anonymous little Hyundai because his baby's too recognizable and has out-of-state plates.

While he's driving, he sees a few dogs, all being walked by their owners. He's not ruling out the possibility that the thing's under a human's control, either, but none of the dogs he sees look foxlike, dangerous, or like they might be murdering someone.

He gets back to Xiao watching some sort of Chinese drama involving one dude in a monkey mask with a rubber tail, and another dude in pig-face makeup. Everything that seems to be on that screen is weird.

"I don't have any good ideas except going out in a storm," he says, dropping into the couch next to Xiao.

"That's a bad idea." Xiao grins over at him. "You want subtitles?"

"Would it make more sense?"

"Not for you."

"'kay then." He steals a chunk of strawberry off the plate on the coffee table.

"Dolly called."

"Yeah?" He swallows.

"Your friend's taking bus here."

"Did she give you details? I have to give her the money and stuff too."

"On the paper by the phone."

"Cool." He heaves himself up and goes into the kitchen, finding the details written on the pad of paper next to the phone. Greyhound from Bakersfield, through Colorado over to Chicago. Two days. She gave him food money and put him on the bus this morning.

Dean needs to get another phone for him. Hopes Cas has change for a pay phone – if he can even _find_ one - so he can call him. Cas doesn't have Xiao's address, does he? Probably not.

Cas _here_. Xiao and Cas'll probably just talk shop the whole time in Chinese, and Cas'll be able to try good Chinese food. He'll have to get clothes – what's Cas wearing? Not the suit, definitely. Dolly wouldn't let him. There's gotta be a Salvation Army or a Goodwill or something around here.

He takes the piece of note paper, folds it up and tucks it in his wallet so he doesn't lose it. Goes and sits down again.

 

 

 

For lack of anything better to do, Dean has Xiao call his contact in the Chicago PD and ask if there've been any reports of stray dogs or foxes in the area.

The answer's affirmative, which is a good sign – means there's probably no human involved letting them out to kill people. Either that, or there's a real fox wandering around the area, and the raiju is being kept by a human and pinning the murders on a fox.

The injuries don't even look anything like a fox's claws, he bets. A lot of monster attacks don't, short of werewolves, where it's pretty obvious because there tends to be wolf fur left at the scene. But all their info is from Xiao's contact at Chicago PD, who isn't even on the case.

If this were the middle of Podunk, Nowhere, he'd be able to suit up as Fed and get into the police records all on his own, and definitely with Sam he'd do it. But a big city's different - has its own Fed office, and probably meets with the FBI all the time. No way he'd be able to pull that off here, even without Xiao, who wouldn't be able to pass 'cause of the accent.

He goes and interviews neighbors, claims he lost his dog and had heard that there were stray sightings in the neighborhood.

"I dunno…" the woman he's currently interviewing leans against the doorjamb, hip jutting out at the disarrangement. "I might've seen something, I might not've? I don't really remember – I guess I just haven't been paying attention."

"There was a report-a-stray filed with Animal Control here two weeks ago," he points out.

"It wasn't me. Must've been my husband or daughter." She turns to shout into the house, " _Chris! It's some guy looking for his dog! Said Animal Control told him to talk to someone here!"_ " Her boobs heave with the air she's using to get enough volume to do it.

" _Coming!_ " a man bellows back from the second floor of the house. Dean shakes his head to clear it, not really surreptitiously, and waits the thirty seconds it takes the husband to arrive at the door.

The husband, apparently Chris, is built like a brick shithouse. Dean doesn't feel intimidated, exactly, except for how he does. "Said you were with Animal Control?"

"No, I live around here, and our dog ran off about two weeks back. My kid sister's going crazy missing him, and I thought I'd call Animal Control, heard there were reports of strays around here. Hoping maybe somebody's seen him."

"Man, I'm sorry. Yeah, I saw a dog about a week ago, over on the corner there." He points at the north end of the block. "It was during that rainstorm, y'know?"

"The dog you saw – he wasn't kinda red, maybe medium-sized?"

"Naw, didn't get a good look at him," the man says, "just saw it was a dog. There was lightning right before I saw 'im, so I was pretty blinded too. Looked pretty fluffy, even though it was in the rain, which kinda surprised me."

"Fuck," Dean swears, for effect, then glances at the wife. "Sorry, ma'am. Just, my dog, he's not fluffy."

"Well." She's grinning at him. "Wasn't your dog, then, so you don't gotta worry."

"Guess so." He grins at her and the husband. "Thanks for your help. I'll go check out the other places Animal Control mentioned."

"Yeah, no problem." The husband reaches out his hand to shake. "Good luck. I feel real bad for your sister."

"Thanks." Dean shakes, ups the wattage on his smile, and heads to the car, where he calls Xiao.

"I got a hit," he says. "'bout a week back, a guy on," he squints at the corner but can't see far enough to read the street signs, "that third report on the list your contact gave you, that was the raiju."

"So we know where it is."

"We know where it was a week ago. He thought it was a dog, said it was fluffy, but it was the middle of a thunderstorm."

"He didn't die?"

"Said he was driving when he saw it."

Xiao grunts in acknowledgement. "But."

"Yeah, I dunno either. Maybe it's scared of cars or iron or something."

"Your friend get in tomorrow morning," Xiao says, totally ignorant of the way Dean's chest feels like someone just stuffed a votive light in it. "Ask him."

"Yeah. I will."

 

 

 

Dean doesn't sleep well. Between trying to imagine Cas all human, human for real rather than just in the process of falling, needing to eat and sleep and shit and bleeding when he gets hurt, and wondering what Cas, human, is gonna think of him, it's a pretty anxious night.

That and he misses his mattress something fierce. Xiao's guest bed is okay, but it's pretty clear he got it secondhand at best, and Dean's gotten used to the comfort of memory foam.

Dean's gotten used to having a bed of his own.

He wakes up real early, still dark, and takes his baby up in the early rush hour traffic through to the bus depot. Waits with his phone on, just in case, driving around the block because he can't bear to stop moving, palms sweaty. He probably looks like some kinda old-time gangster, the way he's going in circles.

Fifth time 'round, Cas is there, carrying a duffel – too dark to see what color – and wearing jeans, a t-shirt, a grey hoodie. Dean feels light-headed, how fast his heart starts pounding as he slides up to the curb.

"Hey, get in," he says, patting the shotgun seat back. "I'll take you to Xiao's, you can get some sleep."

"Thank you," Cas says, sitting gingerly, voice low rough raspy, and Dean's gonna give Cas milk with honey in it first, to soothe his throat. "The bus was not conducive to sleep."

"Bet it wasn't," Dean says, and puts his hand back on the gear stick so that he doesn't do something stupid like put it on the back of Cas's neck and leave it there.

He drives them back as the sun rises, finally gets them to where they need to be. Makes Cas that warm milk with honey in – even if he had to use soy milk because it's what Xiao had on hand - watches him drink it like it's maybe the first food he's had in days. Maybe it is, maybe Cas didn't know to eat when there's food rather than waiting 'til he's hungry – and wants to wipe away Cas's milk moustache with his thumb.

Cas burps.

Even that makes him feel so fucking grateful that Cas is _here_ , alive and basically mentally okay and not trying to kill him, not trying to kill himself.

"Let's get you to bed," he says, and bundles Cas onto that worn guest mattress, tangled up in sheets and stubbly and smelling like two days' worth of bus.

He didn't say a thing about the monster, and he doesn't stay to watch Cas sleep, even though he thinks about it, sitting in front of the TV and staring at some Hong Kong action flick.

He mutes it and puts the subtitles on.

 

 

 

Xiao stumbles out of his bedroom a few hours later, when the sun's really up, yawning and creaking his way awake. Dean's already cooked omelets with green peppers and onions and little chunks of ham, and is keeping them warm in the oven, which Xiao had been using to store rice.

"Your friend's here?" Xiao changes his slippers at the entry to the kitchen and meanders in.

"Yeah." Dean swallows. "He's sleeping."

Xiao grunts an acknowledgement and stares over Dean's elbow. He's making hash browns, so it's not totally unwarranted.

"I hope that's for me." Xiao shuffles over to the kitchen table.

"In five minutes when it's done, yeah." Dean finishes chopping the scallions and dumps them into the pan. "Well, some of it, anyway. I get some too."

Xiao brews some tea that smells like freshly paved road and sits down at the table drinking it and eating his omelet. When the hash browns are ready, Dean throws a third of them onto the plate and Xiao eats those too.

Dean settles in to wait. As long as it takes. He's already waited this long.

Cas makes his way out of the guest bedroom while Xiao is still lingering over his newspaper. He's got horrible bed-head and is even more stubbly than before and there's creases on his cheek from the pillow and Dean loves him, inescapably, a heavy clench in his gut and he feels like a fucking sunflower the way he turns towards Cas and sits up straight and says, "I made breakfast."

Cas says, "I have to urinate. I'll eat in a minute."

He walks across the hall to the bathroom and closes the door while Dean's still staring after him in a haze of adoration and relief.

"Your friend's weird," Xiao says, and turns the newspaper page.

 

 

 

  
_(Illustration: Dean dishing up Cas's breakfast while Xiao reads the newspaper.)_

 

 

 

Cas inhales his omelet and the hash browns and then sits there looking at Dean like he can't get enough of looking, which, fair, Dean's been doing the same thing to him, and it's not like it's that different from how they normally act about each other.

"You have a raijū," Cas says finally, then adds something in Chinese for Xiao's benefit, including sketching something on his palm with the index finger of the other hand.

It's really freaky watching Cas wear a white guy and speak Chinese. Dean's not _surprised_ , but it's weird.

"You said it's like a dog?" Dean prompts once the conversation appears to be petering out.

"Or a fox. Xiao," wow, Dean had never actually realized the X was supposed to be like an 'sh' sound rather than a 'z,' "said you talked to someone who thought it was a dog."

"Yeah. How come it didn't go for the guy in the car, if he got so close?"

"Raijū are associated with lightning. A car protects what's inside it from electrical current. The raijū wouldn't have been able to get in, even if it had tried."

"So, what, if we wander around in metal suits, or stick lightning rods to our heads, we'll be safe, but otherwise we're gonna get electrocuted?"

Cas squints at him. "No. It's not dangerous outside of storms. Or where there might be downed electrical lines." He stares at his plate and scrapes up a slice of heat-wilted scallion. "It likes belly buttons."

"It likes. Belly buttons." Dean manages to not facepalm. "You want me to hike my shirt like a teenage girl, in the middle of a thunderstorm, so that it can gut me."

Xiao snorts.

"I'd actually prefer you _not_ do that." Cas frowns at him all pissy-faced. "If you get gutted I can't fix you."

That clears any happiness Dean might have been feeling right up. Over the lump in his throat, he manages, "Guess not."

"You used to be a doctor?" Xiao asks.

"No." Cas pushes his plate away with the tips of his fingers. "It eats the sound of thunder, and also grilled tofu."

"Grilled tofu."

"It's associated with Buddhist guardian deities, which are expected to help decrease suffering by all creatures."

"We have a lot of tofu," Xiao suggests.

This is how Dean ends up grilling slabs of tofu like they're steak.

"Something, somewhere in my life, went terribly wrong," he moans. Cas ignores him in favor of continuing to stare at the Foreman grill.

"I want to eat some."

"Silly angel, tofu's for people-killing Buddhist lightning monsters. How does that even work, anyway, if it's killing people but doesn't eat meat?"

"Something, somewhere, went terribly wrong," Cas snipes, because he's a dick, except instead of getting annoyed Dean just laughs and gives him some of the tofu.

 

 

 

Since it's supposed to storm that night, they go put out a few cages in the area where the murders happened, safe-trap metal ones _so that it will impede the raijū escaping_ , Cas said, with grilled tofu chunks as the bait.

Round about nine o'clock, the thunder starts. Then the lightning.

Cas has been sitting curled up in a chair in the living room, watching cars go by since dinner. Dean's been feeling sort of like it's none of his business if Cas moves from one spot, since angels aren't exactly a restless crowd, but he doesn't like the way Cas has been looking outside. He can't _see_ anything. So when the lightning brightens the whole room and everything shakes with the thunder right on its tail, and Cas moves and says, "Let's go check the traps," Dean doesn't know whether to feel worried or relieved.

He goes with worried. It's probably more realistic.

"You sure?"

"Yes, Dean."

"Xiao, you coming?"

"No, I'm staying safe inside." Xiao tilts his newspaper down and beams at them.

So Dean takes Cas and his baby out for a drive in what's probably going to be a doozy of a storm, judging by the weather reports. It starts dripping when they turn right at the end of the street; by the time they're halfway to the place where their sighting was, it's pouring and visibility is basically nil.

That doesn't stop Cas from saying, "Stop, stop, someone's – " about two blocks after that, and Dean throws the car into park while Cas runs stupidly out into the storm.

Looks like someone is messing with the trap.

"Stop, it's dangerous, you'll -," Cas yells, on his way towards whoever it is, and it looks like he's going to tackle them when they hold up a hand and he stops. Not, like, slows to a stop. Just, totally still, momentum gone.

Dean's heart feels like it stops, too, then starts back up pounding loud in his ears. "Who are you?" It's too dark to see their face, or anything other than that they're there, except that there's a dog-thing crawling out of the cage and into their arms, wagging its tail happily and not hurting them.

"I usually go by Ava," they call out, barely louder than the rain. Dean can't really see, which is pretty much all that's keeping him from getting a knife out of his increasingly-damp coat.

He doesn't ask if the animal they're holding is their dog. Given the freeze-Cas-in-place thing, he doesn't need to.

"Cas? You okay?"

"I'm fine." Cas takes two steps back, then stops and says something in some other language. The whatever-it-is laughs, and the dog-thing wags its tail.

The person-shaped thing answers, in what looks like the same language, and Cas says, "Dean, it's safe."

"Silver, salt, angel blade, what?" he says, because he isn't gonna bet on Cas not having been mind-whammied when he got stopped dead.

"None of those. Try poisoned lotus root," it calls back, and Cas makes some satisfied noise, to which it snickers and says something not in English.

"What are you?"

"I told you, I go by Ava. This is my friend's pet. I'm gonna bring it back to him."

"How come he couldn't pick it up himself?"

"Because he's not a superdimensional entity of compassion and mercy capable of having multiple simultaneous semi-independent consciousnesses and forms."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"That means I'm one of at least thirty-three separate emanations or embodiments of the Buddhist bodhisattva known most commonly as Avalokiteśvara or Guānshìyīn."

"Cas?"

"They're telling the truth, Dean." Or Cas has been mind-whammied.

"And how're you gonna take that to its owner?"

"I was gonna give it to a statue of its owner, who can manifest that way."

"Who's its owner."

"Can we do this out of the rain? My overarching entity is pretty powerful, but I'm still getting wet."

"You want to bring a raiju – which has killed ten people at last count – into a public place."

"I was thinking we could have this conversation wherever you're staying." It sounds kind of embarrassed.

"No."

"Then rain it is!" The rain lessens a little. Dean tries not to feel nervous about how the dog over there has killed ten people by eviscerating them, and also how angels are pretty good at fucking with humans' heads – and Cas is basically human now – and can also fuck with the weather.

Like maybe this bodhi-thing has been making the storms in order to try to find the raiju. Because it was definitely the trap that caught it, not "Ava." If it's friends with the raiju's owner, how come it didn't know how to trap and catch it?

The last few drops peter out. Dean half-expects the clouds to part and reveal the sun, but they don't, probably partially because it's night.

"That's a little better as long as none of us catches pneumonia," Ava says. "By which I mean either of you, because I can't."

"Nice for you," Dean snaps. "Still not seeing why I should trust you."

"Dean," Cas says warningly.

"Cas, I don't know if you've been mind-whammied, okay? Let me be a little suspicious."

"Cas," Ava says flatly, like they didn't hear it quite right, or didn't make the connection, the first time Dean said it. "Casti-el, the angel."

"Yes." He can't see Cas's chin firm, but he knows exactly what it looks like.

"This seems a little overkill for raijū." The not-dog licks their face.

"It's killed ten people."

"I noticed."

"Then how come you didn't come get it sooner? If you've got thirty-three bodies or whatever, how come you didn't use one to come trap it before more people died?"

"Because I didn't figure out what it was much sooner than you probably did, and I had to get here between then and now," they snap. "I'm gonna take it to the nearest temple that has double guardian statues, get the raijū back to its owner, and go back to my usual job, which is _saving people_."

Dean bites his tongue on the retort that nine people could've really been saved if they'd done this earlier, and he could've been looking after his brother who's in a coma.

"Cas, this guy for real?"

"I'm inclined to think so, yes. Bodhisattvas often have multiple autonomous bodies and consciousnesses, which are only subsumed into the main consciousness upon death or when they no longer serve their intended function."

"You got a way to prove it?"

There's a long sigh, then a slow and growing light, the rising sound of water, like in a waterfall or one of those fancy falling-water gardens, and the heavy smell of flowers.

The light's coming from behind their head, like the halo Cas never seemed to have, and they have too many arms, holding the raijū in two and making hand gestures with two others that he thinks he recognizes from statues of Buddhas, carrying weapons in other ones. It swims before his eyes, glowing and moving without moving, like looking at a 3-D movie without glasses, and he has to look away before he throws up.

 

  
_(Illustration: Ava with many arms, holding the raijū)_

 

The light fades, as does whatever weird background ringing came with it. He shakes the sound out of his ears.

"That sounded right," Cas says, "not that I have that much experience in this area."

"Cas," he starts, still suspicious, and he can't see Cas's expression but he can feel that scowl when Ava interrupts.

"Look. I've got a car a couple blocks back. You follow me to the temple, we drop off this little darling," it licks their face, "and we part ways."

He can do that. If they run, he doesn't know how he's gonna find them again. The sensible thing would be to follow them, and keep the raijū in his trunk, but he's not putting any kind of dog-thing in his trunk, ever.

"Yeah, okay," he agrees, and he and Cas get in the car, following Ava and the raijū those two blocks to an anonymous mid-2000s Toyota Camry. They get in their car, start it up, and start driving.

It doesn't take them long. They pull over on the street in front of the temple, whose gates are closed. In the streetlights, Dean can sort of guess that Ava's maybe a dude, not really clear, and then Dean picks the lock on the front gate and they go in.

"I'm gonna unlock the doors," Ava says, and moves slow-like to the entrance, Dean and Cas following. Inside, there are two statues, people-sized, one with its mouth open, the other closed.

Ava says something in some language, holding the raijū out. Cas doesn't freak or anything, so Dean stays calm, even when the statues put their weapons at ease, bronze muscles shifting, faces relaxing. Metal isn't supposed to move like that, and it especially shouldn't be able to talk, which one of the statues does.

Cas answers. The statues look at Cas for a moment, then at Dean, and wow the way their faces are made is even creepier like this.

He nods an acknowledgement. The statue doesn't smile, but it glances at Cas and says something, and while Ava laughs Cas just kind of smiles, a little curl of his mouth as he looks at Dean for a moment. Not even out of the corner of his eye.

"Yeah," Cas says, and Dean's insides melt out of the knot of _danger-monster-weaponless_ they were in, at least for a second, until one statue hands its weapon over to the other and holds out its arms.

Ava hands over the raiju. It rubs its face against the statue's, tail wagging, and then its fur just sort of all sticks out as it jumps up, turns into a flash of light, and sparks off into the stratosphere or wherever a happy Buddhist lightning monster goes to find its master.

The statue nods to Ava, saying something and takes its weapon back. Both statues shift, going back to their original poses, and then go still.

Ava claps their hands and rubs them together, satisfied. "There you go."

Castiel touches Dean's elbow, leaning in close. Dean can't help going all tense, looking at Cas's mouth. Is Cas gonna kiss him? Here? In front of someone?

Cas's lips are touching the shell of his ear before Dean's even finished opening his mouth to get ready for it. "They said they sympathized with you, as a warrior of virtue, and you were welcome to train with them someday. If you wanted." He huffs out a breath, amused, that runs hot straight into Dean's ear and feels like it goes from there to his stomach. "And were willing to learn Sanskrit, presumably."

Dean chokes on a laugh and tries not to feel like a sucker for thinking Cas was gonna kiss him. It doesn't really work. Cas was into that lady when he was Emanuel. And if gayness is mostly biology, well, he's in Jimmy's body right now, and Jimmy was married to a woman. Fuck.

"Might need you to translate for me," he manages, and puts his hand on Cas's back, just wanting to hug him even though there's no reason right now that he would, besides his stupid body getting all perked up.

"Okay," Cas agrees, easy, not moving away. Dean should probably let him go.

"I'm gonna go my separate way, then," Ava says. Dean drops his hand, closing it into a light fist like that'll keep Cas's warmth in his skin.

"Yeah, okay. You don't hunt or anything, do you?"

"Nah." They shake their head. "Killing things isn't my game. I just do the on-the-ground helping people stuff."

"There's someone you could help," Cas says quietly. Dean's heart seizes.

"I can't give you back your Grace. Wrong mythology."

"I wasn't asking for me." Cas looks at Dean. His voice is heavy, thick. "Dean's brother is in a coma. He tried to close the gates of the Abrahamic Hell."

Ava makes a choking noise. "That, I didn't know."

"No." Cas touches Dean's elbow. Dean has no idea what to say, because he doesn't trust angels except Cas – barely even trusts Cas, sometimes, because he shouldn't – and he sure doesn't trust a Buddhist superconsciousness. But he needs Sam, needs Sam to be all right and Cas to be okay and them all to be together, in the bunker, making a home. "Can you do it?"

"I can try."

 

 

 

Dean knows better than to try to drive straight to Kansas in the middle of the night when all his stuff is at Xiao's, so they head back to Chinatown, with Ava's stupid anonymous import car following behind.

"You really think Ava can heal Sam?"

"It's possible. Avalokiteśvara isn't normally a bodhisattva associated with healing, but 'helping ease the sufferings of the world' is a broad remit."

"And they're for real?"

"Bodhisattvas are real. Bodhisattvas having sub-consciousnesses is very real. The popularity of Guānyīn in East Asia has probably made them more powerful, though."

"Gotcha." He can't say he's really into how hands-on Ava claims to be, if they're supposed to be helping all these people, but he really can't complain. That's better than angels 99% of the time.

They pull up in front of Xiao's house, park the cars. Dean and Cas get out, and Dean rings the doorbell.

It takes a few minutes for Xiao to open it, and he says, "How was – " and stops cold. Says something in Chinese.

Dean steps inside, turns around. Ava's doing their whole show-off-my-bodhisattva-ness trick again, with more hands than Dean wants to think about, except two of them are resting on Xiao's shoulders.

He looks away because, again, too many arms. Cas is looking back at him, that weird "you're an incomprehensibly small and unimportant creature but you're cute" expression that he gets sometimes when Dean does something he doesn't understand and it doesn't matter that he doesn't understand it. Dean doesn't even want to look away. Just enjoys feeling lit up with Cas's affection.

The light show fades. Xiao and Ava talk quietly a little bit in Chinese for a second, and then Dean says, "Right, so, the monster's back wherever it belongs, and we're going to go try to heal Sam. Cas and I are gonna get some sleep and then head out in the morning back to Kansas."

Xiao clears his throat and steps aside to let Ava in the house. "Okay."

Dean takes a shower to get all the stickiness of the dried rain off him, and realizes the moment he steps into the guest room and finds Cas sitting on the bed, that he's got a problem.

He cannot sleep next to Cas and stay sane. This is going to be a disaster. He's also going to be an adult and suck it up and deal.

"Shower's all yours," he says, squatting on the floor to dig in his bag, clutching the towel for dear life and trying not to think about whether or not Cas is looking at him. His back and sides prickle. Cas could be looking at his ass. Could be looking at Dean's shoulders, not the one where he used to have the handprint because that's facing the wall. But the never-marked one.

He resists the urge to flex.

"Thanks," Cas says.

Dean gets dressed and gets on his preferred side of the bed and falls asleep before Cas gets back, partly because he's tired and partly because of an effort of will. If he waits until Cas gets back he's never gonna be able to sleep.

 

 

 

He wakes up to Cas snoring on the other side of the bed. He grins into the pillow, stupid with affection, and gets up and dressed, and goes out to make breakfast. Ava's sitting in the kitchen, in socked feet, reading the newspaper. The closer Dean looks, the less sure he is whether or not Ava's a dude, but it'd be rude to ask, so he just goes and starts flipping through the cabinets looking for flour for pancakes. He finds it in the pantry with the bag labeled _Dried Fungus_.

"You don't sleep, then?" he says, mostly for something to say while he tries to locate baking powder.

"Not unless I want to."

"So you're sort of…angel-ish?"

"Avalokiteśvara used to be human. They became Enlightened and became something more. A bigger consciousness, would be a good simplification. Personally, I was made. I don't reincarnate, I just keep going."

"That sounds like it sucks."

"I don't know. It's interesting. I help people. Sometimes I meet one of the other emanations, which is always sort of weird – makes us have echoes of each other and feel the main awareness."

"But you don't, like, eat, or have family, or…"

"No. I do feel friendship, happiness, and sadness, though." They eye him. "I'm not an angel. Don't mistake me for one. Enlightened human souls are much more powerful, but very different."

"Yeah, I'm getting that picture." He finishes digging up the rest of the ingredients and starts mixing. Even if he has to use soy milk instead of the real stuff.

While Dean's scraping a half-mixed chunk of dough off the spoon, Ava says, "I can't promise I can help your brother."

Dean swallows, throat tight, and doesn't look up from the bowl. "Yeah, I got that."

"You said he's in Kansas?"

"Yeah. In a hospital."

"What time do you want to leave?"

"I was gonna let Cas sleep. Leave after breakfast. It's about an eight hour drive, plus traffic."

"Okay. My car will need gas before too long."

"Do it outside Cook County. Cheaper taxes. That's what I'm doing."

"Works for me."

 

 

 

He and Cas spend the entire drive basically silent except for talking about what tape they're gonna put in next, and whether or not one of them is hungry or needs to pee. Dean's kind of okay with that. He keeps sneaking sidelong glances at Cas, happy to have him, weirded out by how Cas is wearing Dean's extra clothes – washed at Xiao's place – and how weirdly sexy and also comforting that is.

They stop for lunch about an hour past the Iowa border, and Ava pulls in beside their car to park, comes in with them, and doesn't eat except for a glass of water. It's a mediocre sort of diner, not the best Dean's ever eaten but definitely not the worst, and the look on Cas's face when he bites into the burger – all the toppings, seriously, Dean had no idea that was gonna all fit in Cas's mouth until it did – is pretty amazing. Overwhelmed and overjoyed, eyes shut just to bask in it.

Dean picks fries off Cas's plate because the alternative is to explode or something, he doesn't know what.

"You have your own fries," Cas points out, pissily, after about the fifth stolen fry, curling one arm protectively around the top of his plate as though to shield it from Dean's reach. Dean can practically see him flicking his tail in annoyance.

"Yeah, I know," Dean says, grinning. Ava takes a snarkily well-timed sip of water.

"So. Your brother in the coma," they say. "What are the tasks to close Hell, how far did he get, and what happened to get him into the coma?"

"Bathe in the blood of a Hellhound, which he did; go to Hell, rescue an innocent soul, and take it to Heaven, which he did; and then redeem a demon. Which I stopped him from finishing. He was okay for about fifteen minutes before he seized and passed out."

"That's all you know?"

"That's all he knows that seems relevant," Cas adds, through a fry. "What do you need to know?"

"What was he doing to redeem the demon?"

Dean clenches his jaw and looks away. "Don't totally remember the details. I wrote 'em down. Sanctified ground, lots of confessing yourself, injecting the demon with blood, then a chant."

"And rescuing the soul?"

"He went through Purgatory both ways, with a Reaper the first time – still alive, though."

"Okay." Ava taps their fingers on the water glass. "I can't guarantee I can help, but I can try."

The hope's better than nothing. "Thanks."

 

 

 

They make it to Kansas late that evening, and to the hospital. Ava walks in, then looks at Sam in this way that is sort of weirdly fond, just standing there for a few minutes.

Dean resists the urge to ruffle Sam's hair, since Sam hates it but won't wake up even if Dean does, and tucks down the edge of his blanket. "Well?"

Ava glances over at him. "I'm thinking about how to do what I can."

Cas puts his hand on Dean's shoulder, comforting, and Dean's glad it's there, even if his crush is stupid and hopeless. Maybe Cas is feeling sort of comforted back, about not being able to help fix Sam. It's kind of his fault, but Dean can't find it in himself to be really pissed off about it, despite everything. "Thank you for your help," Cas says, like Ava's doing the favor for him rather than for Dean.

"Haven't helped yet." Ava spreads one hand over Sam's forehead, then the other over his stomach.

Cas's hand on his back is pretty much holding Dean up, warm and strong and right between his shoulder blades.

"This is the right thing," Cas says, quietly, so close that Dean can feel the air from his mouth running over his ear. He shivers.

"Hope you're right about that."

"Avalokiteśvara is an embodiment of mercy. They wouldn't 'screw you over.'" He can still hear the air quotes, even if Cas isn't drawing them, and a wave of fondness runs warm all through him.

"Good."

Cas's hand stays on his back for the whole ten minutes that Ava works on Sam. Dean's stupidly grateful for it and so stupidly fond of him that he doesn't move away, not even when Cas's hand slips down to his lower back and stays there.

He's never going to get the fuck over this. God _fucking_ damn it, when they get Cas all Graced up again and he flaps off back to Heaven for good…

Sam's eyes open. Dean jerks forward. "Sam!" Sam's shoulder is solid under his hand, and he's warm, and _awake_. "How you feelin'?" He only realizes after he says it that there's a tube down Sam's throat, so he pushes the button for the nurse.

"You'll be fine in a few days," and hey, Ava. "It'll take some time to set in."

Dean blinks back tears, swallowing, and straightens up. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." Ava nods, stepping away from the bed. "I'm gonna go, okay?"

Cas's hand brushes against Dean's back, then falls. "I would be grateful for your help. Heaven is closed, and the angels are cast out, with their Grace. It could be war on Earth."

Ava looks away. "You can't reach Enlightenment, you know. It's not in the scope of your understanding."

"I know." Cas is standing braced again, like a hero even if he's humaned up and can't save the world by himself anymore.

"But a war on Earth between angels would mean hurting many innocent people, and increasing their suffering. So I think I could help." Ava's smirking, just a little.

Cas nods, maybe a little bow of his shoulders along with it. "Thank you."

"It's my duty." Ava shrugs.

"Yeah, well, sounds like we gotta hang around a few days before we can get on that," Dean's mouth says on autopilot, "so what's say me and Cas pick up some food, bring it back so Sammy can have something real to eat?"

"He probably shouldn't have anything more complex than applesauce," Cas points out, then pats his stomach. "But I could eat."

"Yeah, I know you could." Dean slaps his back, grinning over at him, and leaves his hand there to steer Cas out of the room into the hall, back to the car.

Halfway to the place with the good burgers about ten minutes away, Cas says, "Dean."

"Yeah, Cas?"

Cas doesn't say anything. Dean glances over, just to make sure that he's okay, then turns back to the road.

"I kept thinking that I would be returning to Heaven soon," Castiel says slowly, "but I'll be on Earth for the foreseeable future."

"Yeah," Dean agrees, heart sinking with guilt. "Sorry that you keep getting stuck here." The steering wheel is hard under his hands.

"No, I'm glad to be able to be by your side."

He can't swallow. "Well. I'm glad you're here too."

"Dean, I mean to say that you're –" Cas shakes his head. "Pull over."

"Okay. Okay." He pulls over to the side of the road, heart pounding. He doesn't know what Cas is gonna say but he wants to hear it, he thinks. He's too scared not to hear it.

He turns the car off, waits as one of the cars behind them passes by. "Yeah?"

"Dean." Cas's hand comes to rest on his shoulder, hot and warm and heavy. "I don't want to leave because I love you."

He can't breathe. He can't breathe and he's hot and cold by turns and Cas _loves him_ – " _Cas_."

"Dean." Cas's hand is on his cheek, on his jaw, cradling his head. "Dean."

"Me too, Cas, I thought –" He kisses Cas just to shut himself up and it's good, it's good and just enough too much tongue and Dean is shaking desperate against him.

Cas strokes his thumbs over Dean's cheekbones, gentle, and Dean manages to pull away only through sheer force of will.

"Dean," Cas says, voice thick. His lips are wet.

"Yeah." Dean can't stop touching him, hand on Cas's shoulder, stroking his arm.

"We should get dinner."

Dean has to laugh, sliding into the driver's seat again, helpless with relief. His hand's on Cas's wrist, which is heavy in his fingers. "Okay," he says, "okay."

"Okay." Cas slides his hand against Dean's until their palms are touching. Dean's gonna have a bitch of a time dealing with the car, but he doesn't want to let go. They can eat, and he and Cas can go sleep, just real sleeping since Cas is Graceless for the moment, and later they'll all save the world again together.

**Author's Note:**

> [Art Masterpost](http://witchylana.tumblr.com/post/103415430478)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  **On Ava (Avalokiteśvara/Chenrezig/Guānshìyīn):** Avalokiteśvara is indeed a bodhisattva, known by several names across multiple Buddhist cultures and over time, and a well-loved one. They are venerated as male in India, female in Japan, and of varying genders in China. In deference to this, I've made Ava genderqueer, though it isn't specifically addressed in the story. 
> 
> I also didn't want to devalue or contradict the beliefs of real Buddhist sects, since the Dalai Lama in Tibetan Buddhism is considered one emanation of Avalokiteśvara, as are other lamas. Since this bodhisattva is also described as having multiple manifestations and a thousand arms, I opted to describe them as having many, but an uncertain number of, forms.
> 
> The association with the lotus is an old one; lotus symbolism is common in Buddhism.
> 
>  **On the raijū (雷獣):** The raijū is a Japanese folk monster, associated with Raijin, a Japanese thunder god; it is not normally associated with the Agyō figure at Buddhist and Shinto temple gates (see: Niō, Wikipedia). However, given that the Niō are considered Buddhist guardian deities, the Agyō often holds a lightning-related weapon, and Buddhist and Shinto figures often share veneration spaces (with a certain amount of cross-over and syncretism between them), I conflated them to make a Buddhist figure be the raijū's owner.


End file.
